Self-Compassion
Something I notice in many clients is struggles with self-compassion. Many have never even heard the term before I bring it up. Dr. Kristin Neff researches, trains, and writes about this subject, which you can find on https://self-compassion.org/. I love this resource for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is the test to assess your level of self-compassion.
Some people are shocked by their results, others not so much. Regardless, we all have room to work on our self-compassion. In case you are not familiar, self-compassion refers to being understanding and accepting mistakes or shortcoming, instead of criticizing or judging yourself. I always ask my clients, “would you ever say thing things you say to yourself inside your head to a friend?” They always laugh and say “no way, of course not!” Yeah, they probably wouldn’t want to be your friend anymore if you did, huh? So why do we speak so harshly to ourselves compared to how we speak to others, to a friend?
I occasionally have people think self-compassion means just telling yourself you’re pretty or giving yourself a free pass from something you did wrong. That isn’t really what self-compassion is about for the same reasons people are skeptical when they think that’s what it means. You can think of self-compassion as how you’d talk to a friend if you had to give feedback they might not particularly love to hear, or the way you would speak to a child who has made a mistake. We don’t want them to just feel terrible and useless! We want to learn and grow from our mistakes so we can try something different the next time.
On her website, Dr. Neff outlines 3 components of self-compassion:
Self-kindness vs Self-judgment
Common humanity vs Isolation
Mindfulness vs Over-identification
The first component refers to being able to recognize that failure, imperfection, and struggling with life is normal and to be expected. Part of being self-compassionate is learning to accept life as it is instead of pushing back against it because it’s not what we wanted it to be. This does NOT mean you cannot work to change things in your life. Actually the opposite! You have to accept what things are before you can really change them into something else.
The next component is all about recognizing suffering as a human experience - that is isn’t just you that is struggling - everyone has things that are difficult in life at times. There is something comforting knowing that you’re not alone in your suffering. Others experience it too.
Last, we have to find a balance of letting ourselves feel our pain, but also not being consumed by it. This concept can be easier said than done, I know. Self-compassion requires mindful acknowledgement of what we are going through. By definition, mindfulness is not all-consuming. We are in control when we are mindful. When someone over-identifies with their thoughts or feelings, they may feel consumed by those thoughts or feelings. Mindfulness is a skill that takes practice and time. Learning to be more mindful is hard work, but it makes sense why it is part of self-compassion.
Another amazing offering of the website is the FREE exercises provided. There are audio guided practices, exercise prompts, and tips for practicing self-compassion. Last but not least, a whole list of recommended reading materials related to self-compassion, for adults and children!
Truthfully, we can all benefit from looking inward and doing some work in this area. Whether it’s to improve our own self-compassion skills, model them for others in our life, or learn how to support someone we love who struggles in this area, there really is no downside to looking into the resources available and challenging yourself to learn more.
Hope this helps!
*This post is in no way affiliated with Dr. Kristin Neff or her website. It is for informational purposes only. I do not benefit financially from any purchases or visits made to Dr. Neff’s website.